Suffering
by mamadoom823
Summary: Fanfic featuring the Gazette. I do not own the Gazette sadly. Reita is depressed and suicidal because he has fallen for Ruki. Sorry about the dark things that come out of my mind. Serious smut warning for chapter 4 and later.
1. Chapter 1

Suffering 1

How did anybody ever decide what method they wanted to use to end their life? Their were so damn many ways to die but he only needed one. As long as he got it right, that is. Jumping from his eighth floor apartment would work as long as he didn't freeze up and end up with the police and fire departments called. Same problem with a bridge. He could try slitting his wrists and sitting in a warm shower. If the water stayed warm and he managed to cut deep enough. He couldn't overdose on pills or drugs since he didn't use them and wouldn't even know where to get them. The list went on but what would have the highest chance of success? Now that he had decided that death was the only way to end this living hell, he needed to make up his mind on how to do it. The blonde sat up in bed and reached for his cigarettes. Why did his every thought lately have to be so fucking complicated?  
He had been fighting a growing attraction for his friend for the last few years. The problem was they were both men. While he had never had feelings for another man before he had gotten used to the uncomfortable thoughts. He knew that his friend wasn't quite as open minded about sex he was. He had tried ignoring his feelings at first, hoping that they would go away. They had gotten worse instead. Over the last few months it had gotten to the point where he had been dreaming of the other every night. He hated himself every waking moment and knew he had to end his life before he spiraled out of control any further.  
He crushed the cigarette out in an ashtray and lay back against the pillows. He ran his hands through his blonde hair, leaving it to stick out in every direction. Maybe he should just go step out in front of a bus or something and be done with it. That might work if it was the middle of the night and there where no busses running at this time. The trains would be running though. It would be quick and he probably wouldn't even feel anything. He waited for the usual thoughts that always followed an idea but none came this time. It was like his mind had finally found a way out that didn't have a drawback. Five minutes later he was at the door to his apartment pulling on his shoes. For the first time in recent memory he felt at ease. It was finally going to be over and he was almost faint with relief. His mind was peaceful as he started walking the few blocks to the nearest station. He started humming tunelessly as his feet carried him the last block to his final destination. He turned the corner and was about to head to the platform when a familiar and dreaded voice called his name. Fuck, he thought, what the hell was Ruki doing here?  
"Hey, Reita. Where you headed at this time of night?" the other asked closing in on him.  
"Just out for some air," he taller of the two men answered. He looked around a little desperately. When the was the next train due to stop?  
"I was at this great new club tonight. The place was packed with wall to wall women. You should have been there."  
"Maybe some other time."  
"Are you alright?" the brunette asked, concern in his voice.  
"Yeah. Fine."  
"If you say so. Hey, have you got a smoke? I ran out and if I stop I'll probably miss the train."  
"Sorry. I'm out."  
"Damn. I'll just grab some when I get off then."  
He turned and headed to wait for the train leaving Reita wondering why he had thought this was going to work. It had seemed like a good idea back at his apartment but he should have known. He couldn't very well step in front of the train if the object of wayward desires was on it. That was even more screwed up than he was willing to get. He turned around to go home and stepped out into the street. He heard a horn blare and tires squeal as they tried to stop suddenly. He looked up to see a car flying towards him, the driver trying to control it as the tires locked up. He heard screams coming from behind him as people saw the accident about to happen. He could have sworn he even heard Ruki's voice over all the others. A lopsided smile crossed his face as the impact happened. He felt a searing pain in his legs as they connected with the front end of the sports car. Then he was flying through the air for hour long seconds. As soon as his head hit the pavement his world went black. The blackness didn't last though and his eyes were forced open as a light shone into them. He tried to look away from the light and thought he saw his friend just beyond whoever was holding the damn thing. He could hear a faint sound of voices, like his head was under water. His eyes shut once more and the voices grew dimmer as he felt himself slipping away.  
The first thing he noticed was an annoying beep was intruding on the quiet. At first he thought it was his alarm but it was slower and not as shrill. He listened to it as he slowly came around and realized it was an electronic heartbeat. Then the smells of disinfectant and sickness assaulted him. His eyes fluttered open and he saw that he was in a hospital room. The lights were dim in the room but there was no way to mistake the machines surrounding the bed he was in. Then he noticed that he wasn't alone in the room. His four closest friends and bandmates were all there. Now if only he could remember what he was doing there in the first place. 


	2. Chapter 2

Suffering 2

Ruki was half alseep on the side of Reita's hospital bed. His mind kept going back to that night two weeks ago when the blonde bassist had been hit. One minute he was waiting for a train, wishing he had a cigarette, then everybody around him started screaming. He had turned to see what was happening and then he was screaming too. Reita was hit by some asshole going twice the speed limit right in front of his eyes. Ruki had been at his friends side almost as soon as he had landed in the road. He had thought there was no way anybody could have lived through that but Reita had. He had stayed with the blonde as he was rushed to the hospital and only let go of his hand when they wheeled him in for surgery. Then he had called the others in the band and broken the news to them. They had sat huddled together in the waiting area for hours hoping for news on Reita's condition. There had been endless tears and obscinaties aimed at the driver. Finally, after six long hours, the doctor had given them the first glimmer of hope. Both of Reita's legs were broken and he had a serious head injury. They were able to stop the internal bleeding though and he was stable for the moment. They had kept the bassist in intensive care for most of the first week, waiting for the swelling in his head to go down. He had both legs in casts but he was upgraded to stable condition and given a private room. Now they were just waiting for him to wake up. Ruki's head snapped up when he heard a soft groan and felt a slight shift in the bed.  
"Reita," he breathed and went to stand by his friends side. It took a minute but his friend finally met his gaze and blinked sleepily at him. His mouth moved but all that came out was a rough whisper of sound. Ruki took the ever present cup of water from the nearby tray and helped him drink. Then he roused the others from sleep and called for a nurse. The nurse made the others wait in the hall while she checked Reita's vitals and called his doctor with an update. She left the room a few minutes later telling the band members that they would be allowed back in until the doctor arrived. They hurried back in and surrounded the bad in a show of unity.  
Reita looked up into the faces of his closest friends and smiled. He knew that everyone thought he was lucky to be alive and he didn't have the heart to tell that otherwise right now. The nurse had told him about the accident and everything about that night had come back to him. It figured that he would survive something like that after his plan with the train hadn't worked. The next hour passed quickly as the group talked about everything they would do after Reita recovered. When the doctor arrived they were sent to the hall again but this time they were able to relax and even smile a little. Reita was awake and talking and that was a good sign of how his recovery would go. There had been some doubt as to what to expect due to the severity of the head injury. It was good that they had apparently worried for nothing. After the doctor left they were allowed back in to see their friend, but warned that visitors hours would be enforced now that the patient was awake. They were given thirty minutes before the chimes signaled all visitors to leave their loved ones. Everyone hugged Reita goodbye and promised to return the following day, telling him again they were glad he was awake. A short while later the nurse returned to check on him again and distribute medication. As much as he disliked the idea of taking any kind of drugs, Reita's head was throbbing along to his heartbeat. The rest of his body wasn't feeling much better. He closed his eyes and wondered how long it was going to take before he got out of the hospital. There was no way he could end his life with this many doctors around.

It was another two weeks before he was finally let out of the hospital. Kai had come to pick him up and the others were waiting at his apartment to welcome him home. They stopped on the way to pick up the prescriptions the doctor had sent him home with. He didn't think he would need the painkillers any longer but got them just in case. The others were antibiotics and antisomething or other that he didn't care about but would take regardless. His friends had decided that they would take turns staying and helping Reita until he was back on his feet, literally speaking. The casts would be on for another couple of weeks and then he would need physical therapy to rebuild the muscles. More pain and degradation, just what his life needed. At least he wouldn't be stuck in the damn wheelchair for long. Kai pulled up at the front of the building and Uruha was waiting to help him inside. Getting out of the car proved to be more of a challenge than getting in had been. At the hospital there was nurses who were used to this kind of crap giving directions. After a few failed attempts he was out of the car and into the wheelchair. He was grateful that he lived in a building with an elevator that actually worked. Once they got upstairs and into his apartment Reita realized that his friends had cleaned for him. His usually messy place was cleaner that it had been in a long time. He could actually see the carpet for a change and there were no piles of clothes to be seen. The dishes in the kitchen had been washed and actually put in the cupboards. He would leave them in the drying rack until he used them again most of the time.  
Then the smell of real food came from the kitchen, making his stomach rumble loudly and everyone laughed. Kai had read somewhere that chicken soup was supposed to be good for healing. He had found a recipe online and made it just for the occasion. Reita decided it wasn't too bad if you ignored the many vegetables in it. It could have used more meat as well but he wasn't going to complain after all the trouble his friend had gone to making it.  
Shortly after the meal was finished Reita had started yawning and Kai had shooed the others out for the night. He would be staying tonight and Uruha would be there in the morning to relieve him. Kai helped him get into his bedroom and onto the bed. Reita decided to sleep in the loose clothes he had worn home rather than change. He was honestly to tired to even bother tonight.  
The next few days weren't as bad as Reita had expected them to be. His friends were always around him making sure he didn't over do anything and generally fussing over him. If he was moody or quiet they assumed it was the pain medication that he wasn't taking. It was almost too easy to continue fooling them that he was alright. It wasn't until the first night that Ruki stayed with him that he felt the urge to hide in his room. Unfortunately Ruki was in a talkative mood and followed him. He backed the wheelchair out of the room and headed to the bathroom, saying he was going to wash up. Again Ruki followed him. "I can handle this on my own, Ruki." he told the vocalist. "Really? 'Cause you forgot to bring clothes in with you."  
"Fuck," replied and began backing out of the much smaller room.  
"I'll get them," Ruki said with a laugh.  
"Thanks," Reita said and began filling the sink with hot water. He couldn't wait until next week when he could actually shower again. "Here we are," Ruki said, setting the clean garments on the counter. "What do you need me to do?"  
"I've got it, thanks."  
"You sure? How do you plan on getting in and out of your clothes?"  
"The same way I have been the last few days. I'm not completely useless, you know."  
"I never said you were, baka. Just trying to be helpful. I'll be right outside the door if you need me. Or in case you fall on your stubborn ass."  
Reita let out a sigh of relief when the vocalist shut the door behind himself. His mind had almost gone crazy when the shorter man had said 'if you need me.' Well Reita certainly wanted him but he knew to keep that to himself. He washed his upper body and donned the fresh shirt before struggling out of his sweatpants. He hadn't even been bothering with underwear since he got home. It was less work when he changed and less laundry to do later. He finished cleaning himself and fought his way into the pants that Ruki had grabbed for him. He threw the dirty clothes into the growing pile under his sink. Vaguely he wondered how many pairs of sweats he owned. Brushing his teeth and hair, he finished in the bathroom for the night. Opening the door he started pushing his way out.  
"Aren't you going to wash your hair?" Ruki asked when he saw Reita.  
"Kind of hard to do when I can't get into the shower or even bend over the sink."  
"So you haven't washed it at all since you got home?" he reached out and lightly ran his fingers through the bassists hair. "Let's see what we can find to fix that. No offense but your hair is seriously nasty."  
"Oh, now why would that be offensive?" Reita asked with a snort.  
He heard Ruki in the other room looking through cupboards and opening and closing doors. A few minutes he returned with bucket Reita had forgotten he owned and a look of triumph on his angelic face. Don't think like that, Reita inwardly told himself. Ruki pulled a pot out of the bucket and placed it by the sink. He placed the bucket on Reita's lap and grabbed shampoo and conditioner from the shower. He ran the water in the sink, adjusting it until he was satisfied, then filled the pot. He told Reita to lean over then bucket and doused his head with the water in from the pot. He grabbed the shampoo and poured a generous amount directly onto the bassists head. Mindful of the newly healed areas on the back of Reita's head, he began rubbing away the grime. He rinsed and repeated just to be sure his friends hair was thoroughly clean. He chuckled when he heard the blonde groaning under ministrations. When he had washed out the last of the conditioner he grabbed a fresh towel and wrapped it around Reita's hair to absorb the water. Meanwhile he dumped the bucket into the shower and returned the pot to the kitchen. He heard the blowdryer start up followed by Reita cursing.  
"What's the matter, Rei?" he asked as he came back into the tiny bathroom.  
"What the fuck happened to my hair?" he growled showing Ruki the back of his head. "You didn't know? They had to shave it before they could do surgery to relieve the swelling. You're lucky I told them not to cut the rest of it off."  
"Are you fucking kidding me?"  
"It's already starting to grow back out. Pretty soon you won't even be able to tell." Ruki said trying to placate the others growing temper.  
"Fuck. Just fuck," Reita snarled as he pushed his way out of the bathroom and into the bedroom once more. 


	3. Chapter 3

Suffering Chapter 3

That could have gone better, Ruki thought. He was glad that Reita would be out of the casts and wheelchair soon. He knew how much his friend hated being confined to one place for long. It seemed like every time he had been by to visit the blondes mood had gotten worse. He wondered back into the kitchen and started poking through the refridgerator and cabinets, looking for something to make for dinner. There really wasn't much in there and half of it looked past it's expiration date. He'd go to the store in the morning for a few things but what about tonight. He'd just have to slip out for a few minutes and grab some take out. "Hey, Reita. You don't have crap to eat here. I'm going to run and grab some take out. What sounds good?"  
"I really don't care. Anything is fine."  
"If you say so. I've got my phone on me so call if you need anything. I'll be back in maybe fifteen minutes."  
"Yes, mother. I think I can behave that long on my own," he replied with a sneer. This was getting old.  
"Haha. Just for that, I'll make sure they add extra vegetables to yours," Ruki said as he slid out the front door. He laughed as he heard a muffled thump of something hitting the spot he had just vacated. He headed down the street towards the second closest train station. He wasn't sure if he would ever be able to go back to the one where Reita had almost been killed.  
Reita breathed a sigh of relief at being alone for the first time since waking up in the hospital almost a month ago. Too bad it would only be for a few minutes, he thought. He went into the kitchen and grabbed chopsticks, plates and glasses to bring to the table. Of course one of the plates slipped and shattered on the floor. He replaced the other dishes and leaned over the side of the chair to gather the larger pieces. The first piece was wickedly sharp and sliced his finger. He swore and stuck the bleeding digit in his mouth while looking for something to ... Well why the hell not, he thought.  
He picked the shard up again and slowly dragged it across his left forearm. I thin line of red appeared but he obviously hadn't gone deep enough to do permanant damage. He tried again, this time putting a bit of pressure into it. When he finished the second try he noted that there was a LOT of blood pouring out of him. His right hand was dripping steadily too. He was about to start on the other arm when he heard the front door bang open and Ruki waltzed in.  
Ruki set the bag with dinner on the table and looked in the living area for Reita. He glanced towards the kitchen and saw him there with a funny look on his face. Then he saw the blood. "Fuck!" he screamed as he ran to his friends side. "What the hell happened? Why didn't you call me?"  
"I was going to set the table. The plate slipped. That's all," Reita lied easily. "Well dammit," he said grabbing the nearest towel. He pressed it over the bleeding area and told the bassist to hold it down. He dragged the chair through the remains of the plate and back towards the bathroom again. He turned the water in the sink to cold and started grabbing towels off the shelf. As soon as the first was soaked he replaced the now red dish towel.  
After going through most of the towels he finally got the bleeding under control and started looking for a first aid kit. Of course it was on the top shelf in the back. Cursing he climbed onto the counter and stretched across the room to grab it. He swabbed antibacterial cream over the bassists arm then wrapped it in gauze. Then he did the same with the cuts on the others hand. "Damn, Reita. You're getting to be as accident prone as Uruha."  
"Piss off, Ruki."  
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on," the vocalist replied with a laugh. "I'd better get this stuff washed or Kai will freak when he gets here in the morning. I don't suppose you have anything in there already? There weren't any more pants in your dresser."  
"I don't think so. These are fine though."  
"Those are covered in blood, baka. So is your shirt and my clothes. I really liked this top too."  
"You are such a girl sometimes, Ruki."  
"Screw you. Go find something else to wear while I deal with your mess."  
"Whatever you say, Princess," Reita said with a laugh as he turned to leave the bathroom. He had just placed his hands on the wheels when Ruki stopped him. "First of all, I'm not the damsel in distress. That's your role. I'd be the damn queen, ruling the fucking fabulous kingdom. Secondly, if you try using that arm you're going to start bleeding again and I might not be as inclined to help you after that last crack."  
Ruki pushed him into the bedroom and started rummaging through his clothes. Finding nothing that would go over the casts he handed Reita a pair of underwear and a fresh shirt. The look on his face dared the older man to say something smart. Wisely he kept his mouth shut as he exchanged his bloodied shirt for a fresh one. The problem came when he tried to lever himself up to remove the pants. Since Ruki wouldn't let him put his weight on it he ended up having to lay on the bed. He managed to get the pants off and the underwear on while the smaller man went through his closet. The younger man choose a pair of pants that fit Reita like a second skin and one of his old tour shirts. He left them on the bed while he cleaned up the bathroom and kitchen.  
Reita lay on the bed wishing he had just had a few minutes longer alone. It would have been over and he wouldn't have had to see the look of horror on Ruki's sweet face. That one look would haunt him until he finally managed to end his miserable existance. Ruki came in a few minutes later, unbuttoning his ruined shirt. Reita couldn't tear his eyes away as bit by bit the vocalists slim frame was revealed. The last button gave way and the shirt was carelessly shrugged off and dropped to the floor. He reached down and unfastened his belt, pulling it free of the loops on his own jeans. He worked the button at his waist free and tugged down the zipper. His thumbs hooked the sides of the denim and tugged it down. He bent down and finished removing the garment.  
He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled on the borrowed pants and threaded his own belt into the loops. He bent down again to roll up the hems of the too long jeans. Finally he picked up the tshirt and pulled it on over his head. He grabbed both sets of bloody clothes and headed back to the washing machine. Reita grabbed a pillow from the head of his bed and groaned into it. He had seen all of his bandmates dress before lives and many other times. This had been different from those times on so many levels. For one it just the two of them, alone in his bedroom. Watching the man he had slowly been falling for undress right in front of him had been the hottest thing he had seen in a long time. When he had bent over to remove his pants and then sat down only inches away in nothing but his boxers it had made Reita hard as a rock. Then when the other man had put on pants that he had worn so many times himself had made his cock throb frantically. When the vocalist had slid into his shirt Reita had been sorry to see him fully clothed again. If possible he had been even more aroused seeing the fabric cling to Ruki in a way that he wished he could. He groaned into the pillow again. How the hell was he supposed to get back into the damn wheelchair without the other man noticing his erection? It was painfully obvious since he didn't have any damn pants on. Painful being an understatement. He could hear Ruki out in the kitchen, cleaning up the broken plate and blood. Then the sound of the microwave reheating dinner, he guessed. He wasn't even that hungry anymore. How was he supposed to sit at the table across from Ruki and continue pretending that tonight had been an accident. He put the pillow under his head and closed his eyes. Maybe if he could fall asleep he wouldn't have to face what he had done.  
Ruki carried their reheated meal into the bedroom. He figured the less his friend moved around the less chance of his arm bleeding again. He had pretended to accept Reita excuse of the plate cutting him. There was no way that could have happened but why did he feel the need to lie.  
Everybody knew how hard it was for the bassist to be cooped up like he had been. Why didn't he say something to any of them instead of doing something stupid like he had done tonight? Any one of them would have been willing to listen and maybe they could have found a way to help him. No, Mr. Macho had to hold everything in and be tough. Stubborn jackass.  
When he entered the bedroom it looked like the blonde was asleep. Tough crap, Ruki thought. After the crap he had just pulled Ruki was not feeling very nice. He set the plates down on the dresser, climbed on the bed and leaned over the bassist. With their faces only inches away he screamed 'boo' as loud as he could. Reita's eyes flew open in surprise and his head came off the pillow as he tried to sit up. Their heads collided and for a moment their lips connected and held. Then Ruki pushed the other back onto his pillow and left the bed. He helped the bassist lean against the headboard and handed him a plate. They ate in silence as they were each lost in their own dark musings. 


	4. Chapter 4

Suffering 4

Ruki insisted that Reita take a pain pill before going to sleep. He refused to listen to the blonde tossing and turning all night because his arm hurt. Then to the bassists amazement Ruki climbed into the bed with him to sleep. "What the hell, Ruki?"  
"I'm so tired that I won't hear you from the other room. This way if you need me for anything I'll be right here. Just stay on your own side of the bed, got it?"  
"I swear, Ruki, if you keep me up snoring I'll smother you," Reita complained. He muttered under his breath something that sounded like mental chibi. How was he supposed to sleep with the vocalist only inches away? 'If you need me for anything' had all sorts of scenes playing out in his mind. If the vocalist had any idea what those words had evoked he would have run as fast and as far away as he could. Reita punched his pillow are swore as he realised he was hard again.  
Reita knew he was dreaming and he knew it was the medication making it so realistic. He didn't care any longer though. In his drug induced delusion he was finally getting the one thing he had denied himself for so long. Ruki.  
Ruki was stretched out on top of him and they were kissing. Gently with lips only to begin with. He ran his hands through the darker hair of the man in his arms and lightly bit his lower lip. His mouth opened in a gasp and bassist took the chance to deepen the kiss. Tongues danced together as they learned the taste and feel of each other. He ran his hands up and down the smaller mans back earning a groan of pleasure. The groan changed to an outright moan when he glided his nails up the others spine and back down to his ass. He kneaded at the firm cheecks and ground his hips into the vocalist. Their hard cocks rubbed together and electricty shot through the bassist at the contact. He slid a hand between their bodies gently began stroking the shaft that he had dreamed of so many times before. The younger man was giving a whole new meaning to vocalist as he began to rock into the hand pleasuring him. As they continued kissing passionately the tempo of the strokes gradually increased. Moments later the bassist felt the other tense and with a throaty moan he released between their bodies.  
Reita shifted positions quickly and began exploring the entrance of the shivering man atop him. Slowly he slid one finger inside slowly explored the tight warmth. He added another finger and continued his slow stretching in preparation of filling the other completely. He grabbed a handful of the shorter mans hair and deepened the kiss as he slid himself fully into the other. He began thrusting slowly upwards, groaning deeply as he felt the warmth and tightness clamping down on his aching cock. The feeling was incredible and was only heightened when he felt Ruki pulling on his hair. He increased the speed of his thrusts and was rewarded when his lover began playing with his nipples. He finally broke the kiss and buried the others face against his neck knowing he was close. When he felt the harsh bite on his collar bone he was sent over the edge. He pulled the other up for a devastating kiss as he shuddered through his climax. Somewhere in the back of his mind it registered that his tiny vocalist reached his second climax. He covered the others face and throat in kisses and feather light nips as he came down from his euphoric high. Reita withdrew himself from the heaven of his partners body regretfully. He held the trembling form close to him as he slid further into sleep. He smiled as he drifted away not even knowing that he was whispering to the other. The last thing to cross his lips was 'Aishiteru.'  
Ruki waited until he was sure that moving wouldn't wake the bassist up. He sat up gingerly and ran a trembling hand through his hair. He was close to tears and most likely in a vague state of shock. He left the bed and stumbled into the living room in search of his cigarettes. If ever he needed something to calm himself it was now.  
He lit one and inhaled deeply, savoring the taste. He leaned against a wall since sitting was out of the question. He let his mind go blank as he smoked, letting the nicotine invade his system. He crushed the finished stick out and lit a second. His mind refused to let him block out what had just happened any longer.  
It had started out with a pretty intense dream about sex with some unknown woman. The dream had been great until she had started playing with his ass. He had been glad when it had ended until he woke up to find himself being fucked by the bassist. It didn't take him long to realise that the other was still sleeping, somehow. He had tried to pull away but he was being held to tightly. Calling Reita's name hadn't woken him, neither had pulling on his hair, pinching him or even biting him. In fact it had only caused him to lose control and increase his pace. Tears were running down his face as he crushed out the unfinished cigarette. The worst part had been when he realised that his body was responding to the invasion. He had cum as the blonde had climaxed inside him. One of his best friends had violated him and he had actually enjoyed it. What the hell was wrong with him?  
He pulled himself together long enough to find his clothes from the day before. They were clean even if they were ruined and he wasn't ready to go back in the bedroom yet. He took a scolding hot shower and scrubbed until he was pink. Somehow he still didn't feel clean and gave up when the hot water ran out. He went to the kitchen occupied his mind by making a grocery list. He wrote a note for Kai telling him not to leave the bassist alone while he went to store. He debated on telling him the truth about Reita's 'accident' but in the end couldn't. As upset as he was he knew that the other man hadn't even known what he was doing. He had been alseep through the entire event. The others would have to do this without his help for the last week. He didn't know if he would ever be able to look the blonde in the eye again.  
Reita woke up a few hours later with a smile still on his face. He was actually in a good mood for once. Until he removed the sheet and saw the mess from his belly to thighs. What the hell happened last night? His dream came back to him in a rush and he quickly realised it hadn't been a dream at all. He looked around for the vocalist but there was no sign of him. However there was a washcloth and a bowl of water on the nightstand next to the bed. Greatfull for that he quickly washed himself up and slid on the clothes that had been left in the wheelchair next to the bed. Once he was dressed he tried to manuver himself out of bed but it was no use. His left arm wouldn't hold his weight.  
"Ruki," the bassist called out tentatively.  
"He went home about an hour," Kai said as he entered the room. "Did you need something?"  
"Uh, yeah. I can't quiet make it into the chair," he said showing his bandaged arm as he replied.  
"What happened?" the drummer asked as he came to the rescue. "I was trying to get some dishes off the counter last night. One of the plates slipped and broke. I cut myself trying to clean it up," he lied once more.  
"I'll give you a few minutes in the bathroom and then we'll change the bandages. I want to make sure there isn't any sign of infection."  
"Yeah, sure. Uh, did Ruki say anything when he left?"  
"He said he wasn't feeling well. I told him I'd stop by later today and check on him."  
"Oh. I hope it's nothing too serious," Reita said. His stomach churned with acid as he thought about what was really wrong with their friend. He tried calling the vocalist several times over the next few days. He needed to apologize for what he had done to the younger man. There was never an answer, not that he really expected one. At the beginning he had left messages saying how sorry he was. He had even begged the other to at least talk to him once. He had heard from the others that Ruki was claiming to be ill and refusing to even answer his door. Kai had left a care package at his door hoping to at least make sure the youngest member of their band had good food to eat. The guilt was eating away at the last threads of his sanity. He had destroyed the once vibrant person by his careless actions. There was no taking back what he had done. 


	5. Chapter 5

Suffering 5

The casts had finally been removed and now he was able to walk around with the help of crutches. Kai had driven to and from the appointment and everyone, except Ruki, had been at his apartment to celebrate. The vocalist was still claiming to be sick and the others were all worried about him. They had tried talking him into going to see a doctor but he had refused. It was now late afternoon and Reita was finally alone for the second time since his accident. He took a shower and scrubbed the last six weeks worth of grime from his legs. There would be a scar on the right leg from the bone breaking through. Add to that the scars on his abdomen, the back of his head and now his left arm. He definately wasn't much to look at these days but it wouldn't matter for long.  
After the shower he went down to his car and headed to Ruki's place. He doubted that the vocalist would see him but he had to try. It would be the last thing he did. He wasn't supposed to be driving yet but he was at a point where he no longer gave a damn. He parked on the street and walked up to the door with a sense of dread. No matter how many times he had gone over what he wanted to say in his head it never sounded right. He knocked on the door and waited, listening for any sound from the other side. He was about to knock again when he heard a soft sobbing. It cut straight through him like a knife.  
"Ruki, please open the door. Gomenasai. Please?" he waited to see if there would be any response. "Look, I know that I screwed up. Big time. I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't deserve forgivenss for what I did. Gomenasai, Ruki. If I said it a million times it wouldn't be enough. Please don't keep pushing the others away. They're really worried about you.  
"I'm worried about you, too. I know that I hurt you and I can't take that back. I never wanted to hurt you. I've been trying for so long not to hurt you but I did it anyway. Gomenasai. Please just look at me and know how truly sorry I am. Please."  
He waited expectantly for nothing. The door remained closed to him. "I understand. Please don't keep the others shut out for too long. I'll leave now and you'll never have to see me again. I promise you that much. Gomenasai." Tears rolled down his face as he walked away from the soul rending sound of sobs.  
He got back in his car and drove home letting the tears fall. He knew now that it was over. At least he knew that this time Ruki had at least heard his apology unlike the messages on the phone. That was all he could have hoped for really. He only hoped that the younger would let the others help him. When he arrived back at his apartment he didn't bother turning on the lights as he walked to his room. He sat on the edge of the bed smoking a cigarette as he unwrapped the rope he had brought on the way home. He wound the knots and secured it to the bar outside the closet he used for pull ups. He put the cigarette out and placed the bucket from the kitchen in place. He climbed up on it, slipped his head through the loop and kicked the bucket away.

Ruki sat on floor in front of his door sobbing even after the bassist had left. He wasn't sure which of them was more screwed up at this point. Himself or the crazy ass blonde. Then it hit him. Reita had said he would never have to see him again. He had tried to kill himself a little over a week ago. Then there was that smile on his face as he was hit by a car almost two months ago. Fuck! They crazy bastard was going to do it this time! Dammit. He had been sitting there feeling sorry for himself and now he might be too late. He grabbed his keys, smokes and shoes as he ran to his car. He smoked one cigarette after the other on the way to the bassists apartment. His stomach already hurt from all the damn crying and this wasn't helping.  
He drove as fast as he dared the whole time. If he got pulled over there was no way he would be able to get there in time. When he got to the complex he left his car parked in the front of the building. He didn't care right now if it got towed. He slipped his shoes on and ran inside. He took the stairs two at a time instead of the elevator. Waiting for it would have taken precious time. As he approached the door he flipped through his keys, making sure he had the one for Reita's ready if he needed it. To his relief the door wasn't locked and he rushed inside screaming for his friend. He found him in the bedroom flailing in front of the closet. Desperately he looked around and saw the bucket still wobbling a little. He rushed the bucket over and forced the taller mans feet on top of it, one at a time. The flailing stopped and he heard the other dragging in ragged breathes. He was unprepared when the bucket was sent flying across the room a moment later. He grabbed it again and repeated his earlier attempts. Once the flailing halted he grabbed the bassists legs refusing to let him go. "I'm going to get something to cut you down. I swear to you if you do that again or even move I will call the others and sit on you until they get here. Got it?" He waited until the blonde slowly nodded. He didn't waste any time getting a knife from the kitchen and hurrying back. Climbing up on the bucket in front of the taller man he quickly hacked at the rope. The only sounds in the room being the grating from the knife and the ragged breathing both men were drawing in. Finally the rope gave way and Ruki helped the the blonde down. He took the knife back to the kitchen, no longer trusting the other. Once back in the bedroom he collapsed on the bed next to the bassist. For a while they just lay there trembling and struggling to breathe. Finally Ruki had to say what was on his mind.  
"What the hell is wrong with you?" he demanded.  
No reply.  
"Fucking talk to me. This isn't the first time you've pulled this shit. Either tell me why or I swear I'm taking you to a hospital."  
"Go away."  
Smack. Ruki had sat up and slapped the elder as hard as he could. "As if that's going to happen. You'll just try to kill yourself again. Talk to me."  
"I've already said everything I'm going to."  
"That shit at my place? Fine. Apology accepted. What about the time in the kitchen? How about you tell me why you were smiling as a car ran you down? What about those times?"  
No reply. Again.  
"Fine. We'll do this your way," he said as he pulled out his phone.  
"No," the bassist grabbed the phone and threw it into the wall. "Start talking. I'm not getting answers one way or the other."  
"Just leave it. Nothing is going to change so talking isn't going to magically fix me."  
"That's a start at least."  
"What is?"  
"You wouldn't need to be fixed if nothing was wrong. Keep talking."  
"I said leave it."  
Smack. "I said talk. I can do this all day. How about you?"  
"Whatever. You hit like a girl anyhow."  
"Oh, fuck you asshole," he said slamming his fist into the others stomach. "Is that better?"  
They were off the bed and circling each other now. They swore and insulted each other, the vocalist landing more and more aggressive hits on the elder. "You keep saying I hit like a girl but at least I'm not just standing there taking hits like a little bitch!"  
"I'm not going to hit you dammit!"  
"Why the hell not? Fucking do something already!"  
"Because I deserve every fucking hit. After what I did to you..." he leaned back against the wall slowly sliding down it.  
"I've already accepted you apology so get over it. I knew you were alseep the whole time anyhow. It's not like you even knew who you were with anyway."  
"Yes I did," he said softly. He put his head in his hands and wept. There, he had said it. "What?" He wasn't sure what else to say to that. He knelt down in front of the bassist and forced him to look up. "What do you mean you knew? I thought you were dreaming or something."  
"Don't you get it yet? Yes, I was dreaming. Dreaming of you dammit! And you know what? It was the best dream I'd ever had. Then I woke up and realised it was more than a dream. And you were gone. You wouldn't talk to me or anyone else. All I could think of was seeing you one last time and telling you how fucking sorry I was. "Now you know my dark secret. Do you finally understand? Will you please just leave me alone now? How much more do you think I can take?"  
"Wait. Are you saying that of this is because of me?"  
"No. It's not like that."  
"Then tell me how it is."  
"Fine you want to know how it is. This is it."  
He grabbed to vocalist and pulled the smaller man against him. At once he crushed their mouths together and forced his tongue past surprised lips. 


	6. Chapter 6

Suffering 6

Heaven. That's all Reita could think of as he continued his exploration of the other mans mouth. The last time he had done this he had thought he was dreaming. This time he knew he was awake and he was in fact kissing the man he had been wanting for so long. He kept kissing expecting the other to pull away any second. Gradually he felt the smaller man relax into him and he couldn't help the groan that escaped his throat. He moved his lips from the sanctuary he had found and trailed kisses down the others neck. He heard small whimpers as he kissed and nipped at the hollow of the neck. Growing bolder, he wrapped his arms around Ruki's frame, going inside his shirt and running his hands up and down lightly.  
Ruki shivered and pressed into him harder. The blonde began kissing his way back up to the younger mans mouth and shifted their position. The shorter man was now sitting in his lap with his legs around the bassists waist. As their lips came together again the blonde gently rocked up into the other, letting him feel his desire. He didn't know which shocked him more, the groan that earned or feeling of the vocalists erection pressing into him.  
He broke the kiss and looked into the dazed eyes of the man before him. He raised the others shirt and removed it, throwing it aside. He ran his hands over the now bare chest down to the waist of his jeans. Never breaking eye contact he unbuckled the belt, popped the button free and eased the zipper down. His hand found its way inside the denim and freed the vocalists throbbing member. He stroked it slowly from base to tip, pleased when he felt the moisture there. He squeezed gently and began stroking the other again and again. Ruki's eyes fluttered shut and he groaned, letting the pleasure roll through him. The vocalist released a groan of frustration when the taller man stopped his movements. Until he stood up, still holding them together, taking them both to the bed. The blonde laid him on the bed and finished removing the younger mans clothing. He climbed into the bed and kissed the other as he resumed his stroking. Ruki's hands hesitantly reached out and he began his own exploration. His fingers tunneled through the soft blonde hair he had washed himself only a week ago. He moved them lower to the taller mans shoulders feeling the strength in the flexing muscles. He was getting close to climaxing but he wanted to feel more of the bassist first. He grabbed the others shirt and pulled on it, indicating he wanted it out of the way. Reita sat up, removing his shirt and froze as he felt the smaller man at his back. He felt soft lips caress his shoulder and hands came around and began wandering up and down his chest. His breathe caught at the feel of teeth grazing his neck. The hands moved down lower and began rubbing his length through his jeans. He groaned aloud as nimble fingers undid his pants and one hand snaked inside to grasp him. He never wanted this moment to end but if he didn't do something it would be over in another minute anyhow. He leaned back into the other and slowly pressed him into the bed. He reached down and removed his remaining clothing before rolling over. With a wicked smile he took the vocalist into his mouth.  
Ruki had thought that having the elder palming him had been erotic but this was on an entirely different level of pleasure. Reita sucked up and down on the shaft, knowing exactly where to apply pressure with his tongue. He groaned softly as the man under began to move and breathe heavily. He slid one hand up along Ruki's body until he reached his mouth and slid two fingers in. The younger man sucked on the digits, matching the rythm of the mouth taking him quickly over the edge.  
The blonde reclaimed his fingers and brought them down to tease the vocalists tight hole. He slid the first in slowly, followed by a second. He began to move them in and out carefully. When he had three fingers in the other and thrust a few times he felt the muscles clamp down. He vocalist screamed through his release, hips bucking wildly.  
As he came back down he felt the bassist shift on the bed. Then he felt the elder pressing himself against his entrance. Their eyes met.  
"If this isn't what you want then say so and I'll stop."  
"Don't...Stop..." he groaned, closing his eyes. He felt the other retreat and his eyes snapped open. "What the hell? I said don't stop."  
Reita smiled and began to enter the other man. One inch at a time giving his lover time to adjust before he thrust again. When he was fully in he began moving in and out with a steady rythm you would expect from a professional musician. It wasn't long before he felt the pressure spiral through him and center in his groin. He lowered himself onto his forearms and thrust harder and faster. He felt Ruki's hands in his hair guiding him down for a soul shattering kiss. As his release came he felt the muscles around his cock clench even tighter, signaling that the vocalist had cum again.  
He ended the kiss and pulled out of the other before collapsing on his back. This time when he pulled the smaller man to his side there was hesitation. They lay there catching their breath for several minutes in silence. Then Ruki began to fidget against him before he climbed out of the bed and grabbed his pants off the floor. The blonde didn't have enough time for disappointment to set in before he returned with his cigarettes and lighter. He sat down next to the taller man and leaned against the headboard before lighting a cigarette. He took a long drag from it and closed his eyes. As an after thought he lit another and handed it to the bassist. "I'm going to grab a shower. Do you think you can manage not to hurt yourself for that long?"  
"And if I say no?"  
"Then I'll tie your sorry ass to the bed with your damned nosestrap."  
"Promise?" he asked with a gleam in his eyes.  
"Don't even go there, kinky ass mother fucker," Ruki grumbled as he left the room.  
As he stood under the hot spray the vocalist decided that whatever the hell was going on between them wasn't a bad thing. Hell, Reita kissed better than some of the women he'd been with. Not to mention his skills at oral topped, well every woman he'd known. The sex wasn't what he had always thought it would be like between two guys. Not that he had given it all that much thought to begin with. It was the rest of the time that he wasn't sure about. They'd had sex twice, although he wasn't sure if the first time should really count. So would they be considered a couple or just friends with benefits? At least he had finally gotten the truth out of the bassist. Now if that meant he would stop trying to kill himself then Ruki figured he could give this whatever a chance. He turned off the shower, stepped out and dried himself off. He kept the towel around his waist as he went back into the bedroom. He froze in his tracks when he saw the bassist on the bucket in front of the closet with the rope in his hands.  
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" he screamed.  
"Huh? Don't sneak up on me like that. I'm trying to get this stupid knot untied so I can throw this in the garbage where it belongs."  
"Oh. Why don't you go take a shower and I'll see if I can get it?"  
"You sure?"  
"Yeah. Go ahead."  
The bassist smiled as he grabbed clean underwear and brushed a kiss on the shorter mans hair on his way out of the room. When the water started running Ruki sat on the edge of the bed shakily. He had realised that he more than liked the bassist in that one moment of fear. The thought that the blonde could actually do something like that again had equally pissed him off and hurt him deeply. Shaking his head he got up and went to the offending rope. He had just finished pulling it down when the water stopped. He stepped off the bucket, righted it and dropped the rope into it. As he carried the bucket into the kitchen he heard the blow dryer and started to laugh. His lover, there he had made himself think that, could be pretty damn goofy.  
He threw the rope away, went back to the bedroom and smoked another cigarette. When the bassist came in a few minutes later he smiled as he saw the rope was gone. He went to his dresser and rummaged around until he found a pair of gym shorts and grabbed a tshirt. He handed them to the other man as he climbed into bed and lit a cigarette himself. Ruki pulled the too big clothes on and lay down on the bed again. He reached down and pulled the blanket up around himself. He closed his eyes and hoped he didn't look as awkard as he felt. After several minutes he gave up on willing himself to sleep. "I can feel you looking at me," he said. "What now?"  
"Uh, are we good?" the blonde sounded worried.  
"Meaning what?"  
"Well, about earlier?"  
"The sex or earlier than that when you tried to kill yourself, again?"  
"Both?"  
He opened his eyes and looked at the idiot beside him. "As far as the sex, yeah, we're good. Or I'd have kicked your sorry ass to begin with. About you trying to kill yourself, no we are not good."  
"Is there any way to fix it?"  
"Are you still planning to try again?"  
"No. Never again."  
"I want to believe you. For now let's just sleep on it."  
"Alright."  
They settled down into the bed and tried to relax. Ruki was almost asleep when he felt the blondes eyes on him again. He groaned and rolled to his side planning to ignore it this time. The bed shifted behind him and he felt the bassist against his back. An arm wrapped around his middle holding him close as the other nuzzled his neck. He was about to say something tell the taller man to get off when he heard his breathing even out. Why was he not surprised that Reita was a snuggler? 


End file.
